I haven’t really posted much lately, because there hasn’t been much I felt like sharing. When I started this page, I had great visions of sharing funny stories of things with grandma, and sweet memories with the kids. And, since as I’ve said, things aren’t going exactly as planned I just haven’t shared. I like to make people laugh, I want to share funny things. Life isn’t very funny right now.
Sitting in church last week, the theme of this stage of our journey really hit me. Our current sermon series is “The Best is Yet to Come.” The memory verse for this series is: Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV). Thanks God! To confirm this message was just for me, the slideshow had at least 5 pictures of our family doing different things. We have a pretty big church, one family making the 3 minute slideshow multiple times is a God thing. Two of my very favorite pictures of our family were in there- Jeff baptizing Lexi Kate and all four of us walking holding hands as we did our church service project last year. May not seem like much, but it was definitely what my soul needed.
In terms of grandma, things are par. She remains in great pain from her broken ribs and vertebrae. She is on meds, but they don’t really help the pain. They do make her hear voices and see things that aren’t real. I’m thinking I may need to take some!!! She had an echocardiogram last week. She LOVES it when doctors tell her they can’t believe she is alive and kicking! She tells them about Dr. Baker telling her she is a tough old bird. The echo revealed her heart is still working at about 45%. Considering in 2012 she was only at 50%, that’s great. With her heart condition and history, she really should have died years ago. So, when the doctors look at her test results and send her home, when any other patient would be sent straight to CCU she feels like a rock star. Her INR results were in therapeutic range again this week, which was awesome! We’re really hoping this means we have her regulated again and can drop back to monthly visits.
Lexi Kate and I leave early Sunday morning for NYC. Grandmother isn’t happy about that. I don’t think jeff is much looking forward to it either. Grandmother likes having me around, and she doesn’t enjoy her routine being messed up. I’m sure I will come home to some great stories! I do have a sitter coming to stay with grandma during the day and take her out to lunch, so hopefully that will help.

From May 17

What a difference 20 minutes can make…. this morning GranGran was not a happy camper. To sum it up, she was pretty much ticked that she hadn’t died any other day this week. She “had never been more miserable” in her life, and just wishes I would drop her off back in Mayfield so she could find her little hole, not bother anyone and die. Well, GranGran, you can’t afford a hole in Mayfield, and God hasn’t decided to let you die. So, buck up. As I had dropped by drawers to step into the shower, one of GranGran’s brother’s called and said he was coming by for a visit! How fun!!! His daughter lives about 5 miles from me, and they had come down to visit her. So, I run out to tell Gran to get dressed and I take a “Marine Core” shower and throw my clothes on, just in time for Billy, Beula, Carolyn Ann, and Jessica to come in. They stayed for a short visit about 20 minutes or so. It was absolutely a game changer for GranGran. Seriously, it totally changed her demeanor. After they left she decided to go to church with us. (First time since she has been here that she felt like it.) Cracked me up that she didn’t even bother to fix her hair and shower, she just loaded up and rolled out. After church we had lunch, then she went to the grocery with me. (I totally could have lived without taking an 8 year old and 81 year old to the grocery; but so glad that GranGran wanted to come.) Once we came home from the grocery, she folded clothes. So, today, we are thankful for surprise blessings.

From May 11

I have set down several times over the last week to write this post, and I delete it every time. If you’re here just for the funny stories and antics, this post isn’t for you. This post is for those who need to know that every Superwoman has her kryptonite, and even perfect people like me cuss God on occasion…… We’re a full three weeks into this adventure, and trust me I had it ALL wrong. My perfect little plan of how this was going to go blew up the first week, and has gone down hill fast from there. I am ashamed to admit, but this past week, I was ready to pull up to the VA, and kick Grandma out of my car with all her paperwork and pray for the best. I take that back, I don’t think I was even at a point of praying.
I had 2 very screwed up deliveries, and was rewarded with 2 babies with Acid Reflux and Ear Infections. I pretty much went without a full night’s sleep from July 2006- December 2010. I sucked at being an infant mom. But, let me tell you, that was like a walk on the beach in 78 degree weather. This mess I’ve got going on now, it’s like delivering quadruplets vaginally and coming home the same day and they all want to breast feed at the same time. This woman is driving me bat shit crazy and is the neediest person I have ever met in my life. Not to mention, she refuses to let the AC get below 72, and I am sweating my ass off in my own freaking house, that I pay the utility bill for. This morning, I am literally dripping sweat into my kids turkey sandwiches as I fix lunch, she comes over to me and says, “something is wrong with you, your face is beet red, and you are sweating. It’s freezing cold in this house, I am going to turn the AC up.” No grandmother, something is wrong with you! She says, well, it is just miserable for me here being so cold, you are going to have to figure your problem out.
This past week I was also reminded how prejudiced my family was. A lot of my grandmother’s behavior I can blame on the dementia, and really just move on. But, this prejudice has always been there, and I just forgot about it being away. This week I found myself apologizing to the female doctor. You know, women are pretty stupid, and completely inept at having a real job, especially that of a physician. This mentality just blows my mind, my Grandmother is a woman! You’d think she would say Go Lady! Nope, she told her she was dumb and really hated the fact that I chose a female practitioner. Never mind the 3 male doctors she had seen earlier in the week didn’t even think to check for cracked ribs, but our stupid woman doctor, she cued in on that right away….. Bring Friday, and this is when I wish I had suddenly dropped 100 pounds so I could slither underneath the doctor’s table. Yep, the nurse was black. And, she wasn’t dressed in scrubs, so my grandmother thought she was the doctor. And before I could put a filter in front of her mouth, out comes. “Sure as hell ain’t no black woman going to take care of me. No idiot black lady knows about fixing a heart.” I didn’t know whether to apologize or act like nothing happened so maybe the nurse would think she was hearing things….
So after we’re back home Grandmother insists I find her new doctors, across the board. Here’s the deal, I called 32 GP’s before I found one that would take new medicare patients. And, to be honest, Dr. Hixson was one of the better doctors I have met in a while. Suck it up Granny, she’s yours. And, as far as the cardiologist, you know your stuck with him too. I am just too freaking tired to deal with that.
The paranoia is what I was most unprepared for. I can’t say anything to Jeff or the kids without her assuming we’re talking about her. Then, she yells at me for talking about her and not wanting her here. It was so bad one day this week, I almost said, “You’re right! You don’t want to be here, I don’t want you to be here, and this totally sucks. But, it is the only option either of us have right now, so deal!” But, by some miracle, the grace of God filled me and I responded with something way nicer.
Lexi Kate is totally done. She, like her mom, prefers her own routine and her own space. She is more reserved and private about things. Grandmother is on her like white on rice. From the moment she wakes up, to the moment she goes to bed she is asking her questions, and tries to discipline her. I am not a real huge fan of someone making my kids crankier than they already are in the morning. And, I am REALLY not a fan for someone else discipling my kids with me standing right there.
The hardest part is her just being so mean and hateful in her demands. I’ll do just about anything for anyone if you ask nicely. But, for heaven’s sakes, you can only demand so many things from me before I start shutting down.
I know God’s mercies are new every morning. Thankfully, they are new multiple times a day. I have been flat wearing him out the last few days. I am desperately praying for Grandmother to feel better, and us find a more comfortable level of normal. Until then, I am just trucking along and saying, “Thank you God for the moments in life that suck, so I can be ever more grateful for the bazillion blessings you have given me.”

From April 30th…

The theme of late has been, “How is it going?” I have mixed emotions on that…. In some ways, it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. In other ways, it really isn’t so bad after all. I certainly didn’t expect it to be this exhausting. And, I really didn’t have a clue how much I loved and admired this woman….
What’s hard:
1)My routine. I have a system. It’s a quirky system, but it is my system and I like it. Turns out, my Grandmother has a system. Her system isn’t much like my system. We both like having things our way, and when we want something, we want it NOW. Learning to shut my mouth, and detour my routine has been harder than I thought.
2)She loves to talk. There are 2 times I really don’t like to talk. Before my coffee is empty and as soon as I walk in the door from work. I am an early riser, but I like to have my coffee and let my brain process before I start talking, she hops out of bed with 10,000 things to say…. I work a full time job, most of the time in reduced hours. I work hard and fast during the day. I have lots of conversations and lots of thoughts in a very short period of time. When I walk in the door in the afternoon, I really just want to be quiet for a minute. But, during that time that I have been gone, she has been sitting in a quiet house all by herself and she just wants to talk.
3)She doesn’t do as much for herself/or me as I thought she would. I’ll admit, I was kinda looking forward to having a little extra help around here. My grandmother was always a great cook and a clean freak. I kinda had dreams of walking in the door to a fully cooked dinner and a freshly vacuumed house. Instead, I am fixing 3 meals a day and cleaning up after an extra person. Part of that is simply, she isn’t is a good of physical shape as I thought she was. I really should have moved her in much sooner. Another part of that is that she just isn’t comfortable yet. She is still trying to figure out where things are and how they work. And, maybe a touch of liking to be served. She has lived on her own for 27 years and had to do everything. Having someone help her out is probably a relief to her, and I don’t blame her for enjoying it.
4)It takes me longer to do things when she is around. I am a go getter. I walk about a million miles a minute. I forget, she just can’t move that fast. It makes me late, I hate being late….. I haven’t learned to leave earlier.
5)Answering the same question 100 times…. Grandmother has a great long term memory. She can recount every detail of things that happened 55 years ago. 5 minutes ago, that is a problem. Before I leave the house in the morning, she’ll ask me the same 4-5 questions more times than I can count. It takes every bone in my body not to say, “I already told you,……” Did I ever mention I wasn’t a very good mom until my kids hit about 4. I really didn’t enjoy parenting infant-toddler years. I now have a toddler that will get more and more like an infant. Should be fun.
6)It makes me miss my mom so much more. I see my mom in Grandmother. And, her being here is a constant visual reminder that my mom is gone. If for one minute before I was able to forget about it, now every time I see her it is a reminder that she is here because she can’t be with mom.
What’s easy:
1)Loving her. It really is just like when I was a child visiting her. I want to crawl up in her lap beside her and just talk to her and love on her. Only problem, is now I out weigh her by a good 75 pounds and I would kill her if I did that. So, I just sit beside her and share stories about those days
2)Having an extra person to take care of. I just do her laundry with ours, fix her food with ours, and ask one more person what they need before I head off to work.
3)Seeing this as a long term solution. People have asked how long she’ll be here. I can’t imagine it being any other way. I anticipate the next place she’ll live is “Gloryland”.

Tonight is one of those nights I wish I could call my mom and just chat. I would ask her how she parented me through the similar situations I faced that LK is now dealing with. I am sure I had the same issues as a child, and obviously she did a great job, because I don’t remember them at all. I would laugh with her about the things GranGran says and does. I would tell her how much I love her, and how I desperately wished I had another 30 years to tell her that.
Unbelievably, Jeff screwed up GranGran’s coffee this morning. It was so bad, she told him to make her another cup once she finished that one. ;0
Even worse, I went to work, and took Gran to the doctor “looking like hell” today. If you don’t believe me, just ask her, she’ll tell you. You better make sure you have your crap looking good, or she just may tell you what you look like too.
But, the best part of the day was walking through the parking lot holding her hand. It brought back a flood of memories of me running through parking lots as a child while she was holding my hand. I can hear a much younger version of my Grandmother saying, “Slow down Sister Lou, no need to run so much.” Not much has changed over the last 30 years. She is still reminding me I need to slow down. I’d probably do good to listen to her.

Five years ago if you had asked me this question, I would have said NEVER. Two years ago, I would have said I doubt it, a year ago I would have said maybe someday. Then, we said, it’s time. And, our “why” still doesn’t always make sense. But, it’s all we have for now….

Several people have asked me why Jeff and I are doing this. Well, my why would probably take days, or weeks to fully explain. And, honestly it changes daily, but without preaching a sermon to you, here are the basics:
1)It’s Biblical. James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” My grandmother is a widow. She depended on him for her survival, she is currently in distress.
2)I love her because of how she first loved me. If there was ever a manual on how Grandparents should do life, my grandparents could have written it. They lived near by us growing up, and were a constant support (read… spoilers) in my life. My grandmother didn’t get her driver’s licenses until she was 56, after my grandfather passed away. Why would she bother at that point? To help take care of me….. She drove me to school every day until I got my licenses because it was not cool to ride the bus in high school….
3)It’s just how we do business around here. If your grandma needed a place to stay and someone to help take care of her, we’d probably take her in too. Jeff and I were raised to take care of our own. And, considering his dad is older than my grandmother, and his mom isn’t too far behind her; it is quiet possible that they will live with us too. Maybe, at the same time my grandma is here. Now, wouldn’t that be entertaining. I can kinda see it now.
4)It’s just practical, and our only real option right now. Grandmother draws $1100 a month in social security as her only income. Her insurance and medicines run over $500 a month. Do the math, there isn’t much left for living expenses. I was having to supplement her income monthly. I certainly didn’t mind that. But, it seemed kinda pointless. And, she has dementia and heart issues, so she really doesn’t need to live on her own anymore. Yes, I checked out nursing homes of varying degrees. What I found is that on average, they are $2500 a month for rent, plus around $125 a day for the nursing care she would need. Do the math, that is at least $6000 a month. (Hear me say this loudly- invest in Long Term Care Insurance!!!) Based on our annual income, we could in fact make that work. However, my income is totally commission based, and we don’t feel comfortable making that commitment on an income that isn’t guaranteed.
5)It is really good for my kids. Yes, I am praying like the dickens that they don’t witness her actual death. I watched my mom die just over 15 months ago. And, I am not afraid to admit that I am still on medication due to the PTSD that created. It’s horrifying! But, it’s also life. Life is HARD, sometimes life just sucks. The sooner my kids realize that life isn’t easy breezy, and sometimes we do uncomfortable things, the better off they are going to be. And, I know first hand what a blessing it is to have your Great Grandparents in your life. My kids haven’t had that due to the distance between us. Now, they have it daily. And, it’s good.
6)Jeff pretty much had to tell me it was time, and it would be okay. I was willing to push the limit on this. As soon as mom died, we knew the day would come. But, honestly, I probably would have preferred that day be later than sooner. But, Jeff was my rock. And, the day I broke down in tears saying we had to do it; he just said, I am ready. I’ve been waiting on you.
7)We love crazy, busy, chaos. And, ask any parent of 3 kids. It’s chaos. Just because she is 81, doesn’t mean it isn’t like having a child. It is just like having a toddler…. she has potty accidents, she has to be told the same thing 100 times, she complains about my food choices, and I love her anyways.
We all have to say a prayer and do what we think is best. For our family, for this day, this is what is best. Tomorrow is a new day and a new prayer……