So many thoughts have tried to circle my head the last week and a half, but I just haven’t had the brain power to process them all. People keeping asking how we’re doing, what’s next, have I had time to relax. I still honestly don’t know.
We all deal with grief in very different ways. I think we deal with grief in different situations in different ways. I am devastated to have lost my grandmother. I think the biggest thing for me, is that she was the last tangible active memory of my mom left in my life. As long as I had Gran here, I had a piece of my mom. I was still doing something for my mom. And, maybe if I was doing something for my mom, my mom was still kinda here too. Now, I sit and stare at the empty blue chair and realize it’s all over. Then, there’s the guilt that I feel glad that it is over. Care giving is hard in a normal situation. Care giving for a dementia patient is even harder. Care giving for a dementia patient and working full time and taking care of small children is enough to do you in. So, I’m grieving and celebrating all at the same time; and it is just weird.
Throw on top of it all that all of this went down in April and May- the very busiest month(s) for us. Part of me was glad that Gran passed away and her funeral was the week of the Fourth Grade walk. The Fourth Grade walk is like the Mecca event for students at Moore Elementary. This was the 25th Anniversary for the kids to make the 28 mile 2 day hike of the Natchez Trace. It’s a big stinking deal. Kids talk about this from their 2nd day of kindergarten. It is the longest running, longest distance walk by elementary kids in the nation. And, of course I was the parent coordinator for the event and hosted a massive dinner for over 250 people. Having the Fourth Grade walk really allowed me to not focus on losing Gran for 4 days. She died on Tuesday, we had walk events Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; and then drove to KY for the funeral on Saturday. It all just kinda happened and I didn’t have to process. Even on Saturday I didn’t really process. We went through the motions of the funeral, then drove straight back home for events the kids had.
Sunday was Mother’s Day. I’ve pretty much laid in bed on Mother’s Day the last 3 years, and this year was no different. Being a Motherless Mom on Mother’s Day is hard. I get to celebrate being a Mom with my amazing kids every day. Mother’s Day was a day for me to celebrate all my mom had done for me. And, it just makes me sad to not have that. Burying my Grandmother on Mother’s Day weekend didn’t make that any better. So, from grief, exhaustion, or whatever it was, I laid in bed pretty much all day Sunday. I wish I could say I got the best rest ever. But, that isn’t so much the case.
And, then Monday hit. And, I realized how incredibly far behind I was at work and just dove in head first getting the troops gathered and getting back on track. All week long I have been running crazy focusing on work and what had to be caught up. I hate half-assing anything, and that’s pretty much how things have been rolling lately. But, again, having something else to focus on hasn’t given me much space to acknowledge or process reality. And, it’s starting to catch up to me.
As much as I would like to pretend this is all a bad dream and nothing over the last three years has really happened; it did happen. It is my real life, and I really have to deal with it. So, I don’t know how I feel about it all just yet. I’m sad, I’m tired, I’m confused, I feel guilty. And, I have no freaking clue what I am going to do about all that just yet. Today is a sit and soak it in kind of day. I need to rescue my house from 5 weeks of chaos. I have some loose ends to tie up. I’m just going to chill a minute and let myself feel it all out. Not my specialty. But, desperately needed for my soul.