How is it going?

From April 30th…

The theme of late has been, “How is it going?” I have mixed emotions on that…. In some ways, it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. In other ways, it really isn’t so bad after all. I certainly didn’t expect it to be this exhausting. And, I really didn’t have a clue how much I loved and admired this woman….
What’s hard:
1)My routine. I have a system. It’s a quirky system, but it is my system and I like it. Turns out, my Grandmother has a system. Her system isn’t much like my system. We both like having things our way, and when we want something, we want it NOW. Learning to shut my mouth, and detour my routine has been harder than I thought.
2)She loves to talk. There are 2 times I really don’t like to talk. Before my coffee is empty and as soon as I walk in the door from work. I am an early riser, but I like to have my coffee and let my brain process before I start talking, she hops out of bed with 10,000 things to say…. I work a full time job, most of the time in reduced hours. I work hard and fast during the day. I have lots of conversations and lots of thoughts in a very short period of time. When I walk in the door in the afternoon, I really just want to be quiet for a minute. But, during that time that I have been gone, she has been sitting in a quiet house all by herself and she just wants to talk.
3)She doesn’t do as much for herself/or me as I thought she would. I’ll admit, I was kinda looking forward to having a little extra help around here. My grandmother was always a great cook and a clean freak. I kinda had dreams of walking in the door to a fully cooked dinner and a freshly vacuumed house. Instead, I am fixing 3 meals a day and cleaning up after an extra person. Part of that is simply, she isn’t is a good of physical shape as I thought she was. I really should have moved her in much sooner. Another part of that is that she just isn’t comfortable yet. She is still trying to figure out where things are and how they work. And, maybe a touch of liking to be served. She has lived on her own for 27 years and had to do everything. Having someone help her out is probably a relief to her, and I don’t blame her for enjoying it.
4)It takes me longer to do things when she is around. I am a go getter. I walk about a million miles a minute. I forget, she just can’t move that fast. It makes me late, I hate being late….. I haven’t learned to leave earlier.
5)Answering the same question 100 times…. Grandmother has a great long term memory. She can recount every detail of things that happened 55 years ago. 5 minutes ago, that is a problem. Before I leave the house in the morning, she’ll ask me the same 4-5 questions more times than I can count. It takes every bone in my body not to say, “I already told you,……” Did I ever mention I wasn’t a very good mom until my kids hit about 4. I really didn’t enjoy parenting infant-toddler years. I now have a toddler that will get more and more like an infant. Should be fun.
6)It makes me miss my mom so much more. I see my mom in Grandmother. And, her being here is a constant visual reminder that my mom is gone. If for one minute before I was able to forget about it, now every time I see her it is a reminder that she is here because she can’t be with mom.
What’s easy:
1)Loving her. It really is just like when I was a child visiting her. I want to crawl up in her lap beside her and just talk to her and love on her. Only problem, is now I out weigh her by a good 75 pounds and I would kill her if I did that. So, I just sit beside her and share stories about those days
2)Having an extra person to take care of. I just do her laundry with ours, fix her food with ours, and ask one more person what they need before I head off to work.
3)Seeing this as a long term solution. People have asked how long she’ll be here. I can’t imagine it being any other way. I anticipate the next place she’ll live is “Gloryland”.

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