Sometimes life isn’t pretty

From May 11

I have set down several times over the last week to write this post, and I delete it every time. If you’re here just for the funny stories and antics, this post isn’t for you. This post is for those who need to know that every Superwoman has her kryptonite, and even perfect people like me cuss God on occasion…… We’re a full three weeks into this adventure, and trust me I had it ALL wrong. My perfect little plan of how this was going to go blew up the first week, and has gone down hill fast from there. I am ashamed to admit, but this past week, I was ready to pull up to the VA, and kick Grandma out of my car with all her paperwork and pray for the best. I take that back, I don’t think I was even at a point of praying.
I had 2 very screwed up deliveries, and was rewarded with 2 babies with Acid Reflux and Ear Infections. I pretty much went without a full night’s sleep from July 2006- December 2010. I sucked at being an infant mom. But, let me tell you, that was like a walk on the beach in 78 degree weather. This mess I’ve got going on now, it’s like delivering quadruplets vaginally and coming home the same day and they all want to breast feed at the same time. This woman is driving me bat shit crazy and is the neediest person I have ever met in my life. Not to mention, she refuses to let the AC get below 72, and I am sweating my ass off in my own freaking house, that I pay the utility bill for. This morning, I am literally dripping sweat into my kids turkey sandwiches as I fix lunch, she comes over to me and says, “something is wrong with you, your face is beet red, and you are sweating. It’s freezing cold in this house, I am going to turn the AC up.” No grandmother, something is wrong with you! She says, well, it is just miserable for me here being so cold, you are going to have to figure your problem out.
This past week I was also reminded how prejudiced my family was. A lot of my grandmother’s behavior I can blame on the dementia, and really just move on. But, this prejudice has always been there, and I just forgot about it being away. This week I found myself apologizing to the female doctor. You know, women are pretty stupid, and completely inept at having a real job, especially that of a physician. This mentality just blows my mind, my Grandmother is a woman! You’d think she would say Go Lady! Nope, she told her she was dumb and really hated the fact that I chose a female practitioner. Never mind the 3 male doctors she had seen earlier in the week didn’t even think to check for cracked ribs, but our stupid woman doctor, she cued in on that right away….. Bring Friday, and this is when I wish I had suddenly dropped 100 pounds so I could slither underneath the doctor’s table. Yep, the nurse was black. And, she wasn’t dressed in scrubs, so my grandmother thought she was the doctor. And before I could put a filter in front of her mouth, out comes. “Sure as hell ain’t no black woman going to take care of me. No idiot black lady knows about fixing a heart.” I didn’t know whether to apologize or act like nothing happened so maybe the nurse would think she was hearing things….
So after we’re back home Grandmother insists I find her new doctors, across the board. Here’s the deal, I called 32 GP’s before I found one that would take new medicare patients. And, to be honest, Dr. Hixson was one of the better doctors I have met in a while. Suck it up Granny, she’s yours. And, as far as the cardiologist, you know your stuck with him too. I am just too freaking tired to deal with that.
The paranoia is what I was most unprepared for. I can’t say anything to Jeff or the kids without her assuming we’re talking about her. Then, she yells at me for talking about her and not wanting her here. It was so bad one day this week, I almost said, “You’re right! You don’t want to be here, I don’t want you to be here, and this totally sucks. But, it is the only option either of us have right now, so deal!” But, by some miracle, the grace of God filled me and I responded with something way nicer.
Lexi Kate is totally done. She, like her mom, prefers her own routine and her own space. She is more reserved and private about things. Grandmother is on her like white on rice. From the moment she wakes up, to the moment she goes to bed she is asking her questions, and tries to discipline her. I am not a real huge fan of someone making my kids crankier than they already are in the morning. And, I am REALLY not a fan for someone else discipling my kids with me standing right there.
The hardest part is her just being so mean and hateful in her demands. I’ll do just about anything for anyone if you ask nicely. But, for heaven’s sakes, you can only demand so many things from me before I start shutting down.
I know God’s mercies are new every morning. Thankfully, they are new multiple times a day. I have been flat wearing him out the last few days. I am desperately praying for Grandmother to feel better, and us find a more comfortable level of normal. Until then, I am just trucking along and saying, “Thank you God for the moments in life that suck, so I can be ever more grateful for the bazillion blessings you have given me.”

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