From October 26
My thoughts today have surrounded the idea when is it the Holy Spirit activating my “momma gut” and when am I being a control freak? As I mentioned earlier, I just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of taking Grandmother off her coumadin. I tried to let the doctors be doctors and let me just be the supporting family. I left the hospital for a couple hours, and just prayed as I went about my work and errands. God, give me peace about this. In my heart of hearts, I’m okay with Grandmother dying, as her life on Earth really isn’t that great. But, I also wouldn’t ever forgive myself if I knew that what they were doing wasn’t the best method of care and I didn’t say something. I prayed a multitude of different things all day. I really wanted to let go and let God. The thought didn’t leave my mind for several hours, so I just decided to call her primary cardiologist. If he’s fine with the plan of care, I’ll truly be fine. At least I will be comfortable knowing I did what I could. His nurse didn’t seem to think removing her from coumadin was a great idea, but she was going to talk to him and call me back. We’ll see….
That one thought, brought me to thinking when do I do this in other areas of my life. When do I play God by being a control freak. When do I ignore the Holy Spirit’s tug in my heart, and dismiss it as silly me just trying to manipulate things. I want to be so in tune with God there is absolutely no mistaking what’s the Holy Spirt and what’s me. I can think of a few instances where I’ve gotten it wrong on both sides of the fence. I can also think of times that I’ve confidently acted on the Holy Spirit’s prompting in my life. Like the time I called a friend out of the blue to let her know she was on my heart and in my prayers, to have her unload that her husband was having an affair and leaving her. Or, the Tuesday morning that mom called to tell me that she was in the Emergency Room but she was fine, no need for me to come see her. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit told me to cancel my appointments and fly to KY…. I got to spend the last few hours of my mom’s life by her side. One prompting I had there, was to insist that she be moved to a cardiac intensive hospital. I didn’t, that decision will forever haunt me. I could go on with more examples in my life and the lives of others, but because I am deliriously tired, I’ll stop for now.
This is primarily a post for me to be able to come back to and remember that our God is ever present in our lives. The more intently we focus on him and pursuing His will in our lives, the more audible the Holy Spirit is in guiding our paths.