The past couple of weeks have by far been the hardest on this journey so far. I feel like my stress level has boiled over and I have lost all control of my sanity and composure. No less than a dozen times a day, I find myself screaming at an 82 year old dementia patient who couldn’t respond to my demands or expectations if she wanted to. I hate losing control of any situation, and the worst of all is losing control of myself. I know better. I know that she has a disease and 85% of the stuff she does, she can’t help. But, for the love, I have no idea how to keep from getting so frustrated and angry.
The one thing I was hoping to be a positive out of all of this was to teach my children about caring for your family. Treating your elders with respect and dignity. Honoring those we love. I wanted this to be a good learning experience for them. I am not teaching them many positive lessons right now. I hear the words my kids say to Gran and my skin crawls. Not so much because they are being kids and acting out of their own frustration, but because I know for a fact they are repeating learned behavior. They have seen me model impatience and disrespect. And, I hate myself for it.
Tonight I broke down in tears, I just can’t do this anymore, but I know we have to. We truly don’t have another option. Well, short of dropping her off at the police station and letting her become a ward of the state. And, although I know my salvation is secure. I feel like I’d be boarding the hell express for doing something so terrible. We truly need a Christmas miracle. We currently have Gran in daycare 2 days a week. And, she is much better the days that she is there. We’ve applied for some benefits that would allow us to send her 3-4 days a week. I’m calling a new facility tomorrow that is a research facility. I’m praying they have better pricing where we could afford to get her more care. I don’t know what the solution is, but I know we have to pray for a better one.
Grandmother prays daily for God to take her out of this world. And, honestly Jeff and I constantly question why in the world she has to continue to live like this. We’ve come to the conclusion that God is waiting on us to get our heart right. I want to have a joyful heart in all this, I promise I really do. But, being woke up all hours of the night takes its toll. I was a terrible newborn mom for this same reason. But, at least they were super cute, I knew it was just a phase and they would grow out of it. And, absolute worst case scenario I could just stick my boob in their mouth and we could all go back to sleep. Gran is not cute and cuddly anymore, she isn’t growing out of it, and let’s be real it would be totally awkward if I tried to nurse her. She wanders all during the day and we just pray she doesn’t get lost or walk into someone else’s house. It’s getting cold outside, she could get pneumonia fairly quickly. And, I worry that she’ll burn the house down. Today she put PB on bread and then tried to put it in the toaster. Thank goodness we were home. But, now I have to remember to hide the toaster on the days she is going to be home alone. I don’t think she tries to use the stove, but I still worry that she is going to burn the house down while we’re gone. And, I can’t even talk about how awful she is to the kids without losing my mind all over again. True, they aren’t super kind to her. But, for the most part “she started it”. If she ever connects her cane upside one of their heads like she tries to do, somebody is going to have to bail me out of jail.
I’m usually pretty good at saying don’t worry about us. We’re blessed to be a blessing. We’ve got this. We’re all good. It’s no big, I am superwoman and I can do everything. Tonight, I being brutally honest. I just can’t continue to go on like this. I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I’m praying and begging God for a better solution. I don’t know what that is. But, I just pray for wisdom in knowing what to do next. The greatest Christmas gift we could receive this year is notice that some of the benefits we’ve applied for are coming through…..