Holidays are hard, find reason to laugh

Thankfully, we survived our “firsts” last year. Survived was about all I could say, because it certainly wasn’t pretty. For some reason, Thanksgiving was much harder for me than Christmas. Maybe it is all the memories of cooking with my mom, maybe it is everyone talking about how amazing their families are and I missed the most important part of mine, maybe it was new relationships that I still wasn’t happy about.

With that said, this year is better, but it is still hard. I’ve been sad, but not stay in the bed depressed this year. What I have gotten better at is finding things to make yourself laugh about. Thankfully, Grandmother provides plenty of moments to make you laugh. These are somewhat crude, so if you are going to be offended by honesty that I’ll probably regret sharing at some point in my life, stop reading now. Otherwise, enjoy the stuff I couldn’t make up if I tried….

Mondays are laundry day for me. ALL DAY LONG…. usually 8-10 loads. Usually, I come in and out of the house trading out laundry and running back to work or running errands. Because the kids are out of school all week, I am home all week. Thus, I was folding laundry as we went. I washed whites, and as they came out of the dryer, I gave grandmother her clothes. Less than 5 minutes later, Grandmother comes into the kitchen (connected to my laundry room) saying, “Whose 40C is this?!?!” Do what? I wasn’t looking directly at her as I was doing something else. “This, whose is it, it isn’t mine!” I look up to see her swinging a bra around in the air. Grandmother, I promise that is your bra. “Nope, it isn’t mine. This is too big for me. I have never worn a 40C.” Well, I am not sure about that, but that is the kind of bras you wear and it isn’t my size. “Well, I guess it is Lexi Kate’s.” Ummm, no. She is a 65 pound 9 year old that may be 20″ around, and she certainly isn’t a C cup. “Well, it is yours then!” No, Grandmother, not my size. Then it gets good. Grandmother grabs a tea cup off the cabinet, lifts her shirt, and says, “Look, I told you this can’t be mine. I don’t have enough breast to fill a tea cup! I used to have good boobs, now I have skin. I can’t fill that thing up.” Grandmother, I promise it isn’t mine. Then, she grabs a mixing bowl, and shoves it on my chest. To see what type of dish my breast would fill up. “Good lord girl, where did you get those Double D’s? Did you buy new boobs?” Grandmother. As I said, the 40C isn’t mine. And, no, I haven’t paid for any body parts. Please, put our dirty dishes away and take that bra to your room. My life is weird. Who else in the whole world has conversations like this. I could cry, but I laugh.

Yesterday we had a doctor’s appointment. But, before that my housekeeper came at 8, so we had to get out of the house. We all went to IHOP. Let me just tell you it was hotter than 3 shades of hell in that place. Grandmother loved it. It’s the first time she’s been warm in months. She still can’t order anything on her own off the menu. This time, she ordered smiley face pancakes. Whatever. She asked the waitress why her pancake had a face on it. Because, that is what you ordered…. But, at least she didn’t show out.

On to the doctor’s office. A very uneventful visit. Her blood work looks good. Her defibrillator is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. On a regular basis, it regulates her A-Fib. There have been 2 significant life saving events this year where her heart has stopped and the defibrillator shocked her back. It has shows signs of distress, when she needs to seek medical attention or change medications. So, we keep on keeping on with that….

Things got exciting as we were leaving. As we were walking down the hall way to the parking garage, a man passes us. He wasn’t running, but he was moving at a good speed. He had on boxers and an undershirt tank. No joke, black boxers with bright flowers on them. Light blue wife beater. They didn’t even match. It was 45 degrees outside. What clued me in to what was going on was the hospital bracelet. Grandmother couldn’t believe someone would disgrace themselves so. “What is he doing? Does he not know he doesn’t have his clothes on? Where is he going looking like that?” Well, I’m pretty sure he’s had all this place he can take, he shucked his hospital gown in the room, and he is jumping bail. “That beats all I’ve ever heard. Why would someone in their right mind do that?” Well, I don’t know for sure, but if my memory serves me correctly, you pulled a similar stunt a couple weeks ago. Not once, but twice while you were in the hospital you tried to run away. “Without my clothes!?!” Yes, without your clothes. But, you did keep the sexy hospital gown, the one that left your sexy mesh panties showing out the back. But, trust me, you didn’t look nearly as ridiculous as that dude…..

Sunday through Tuesday were hell on wheels at our house…. Grandmother cussed her sister. Told her she’d never call her again. Told me that she never wanted to see them again. And, I better not even let them in to her funeral. Okie dokie! She was equally kind to me. She was just angry in general all week. I get it. The holidays are hard. And, she just can’t process emotion anymore. So, she gets mad. It has been funny, sad, and down right maddening. Today has been a new day. For the most part, we’ve had a really good day. She talked to the sister that is uninvited to her funeral. She only complained about dinner.

Tomorrow we’ll go to Jeff’s parents for Thanksgiving. She loves them. I am a little nervous about how she’ll behave for everyone else. It’ll still be hard for me. It would also be my mom and stepdad’s 33rd anniversary. I miss the life we had. Let’s just make it through….

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