From October 14
I’ve totally been in a weird funk lately. I’m not really sure what started it, but I just couldn’t snap out of it. To the point, that I started taking medication again. Why do I tell the whole wide world that I take medication when I’m in a funk? Well, basically for multiple reasons. One, Lexapro (which I originally started taking for Post Traumatic Stress- a whole other post) greatly helps with my anxiety, and most likely keeps everyone in my family breathing. Two, we’ve got to let each other off the hook. For some reason, we feel the need to project this version of ourselves that isn’t real. Then, all the other mommas of the world think less of themselves because they don’t have it together as well as we do. That’s not right. And, for the love, can we break the stereotype that if you need some mental balance it means you don’t really trust God? For real people, I trust that God made that fellow smart enough to create a drug that restores the chemical balance I need in my body. And, I praise him for the doctors that led me to it. Do I plan to take medication my whole life, I certainly hope not. But, for now, it’s what my body needs. And, I am not afraid to admit that.
I recently got a whole lot of credit and accolades for the work of about 200 people. Following that, all these poor mommas that I look up to came to me wanting to know how I do it all, and manage to be this unrealistic perfect version of superwoman. Well, honey, here’s the deal….. 1)I’m so far from perfect it would surprise you 2)Coffee and wine, my friend, coffee and wine 3)Sometimes wine just doesn’t get it done, and in talking with my therapist and doctor I need a little extra help. And, if you do too, guess what, it’s okay. Needing an antidepressant or prescription for anxiety doesn’t make you a drug addict, it doesn’t make you a failure as a woman, it makes you normal. In fact, it makes you more normal that the rest of the women out there, because over 60% of us have a have a little extra help sometime. So, there it’s out there, let yourself off the stinking hook!
I’ll roll off that soap box for a little bit to get back to the kids, dog and grandma. The kids are on fall break. We didn’t plan a trip for fall break…. that’s awesome. Did I mention my kids are essentially out of school for 11 days and we aren’t on vacation. Might I also mention that my kids and I really, really, really need routine. And, I made zero plans for routine over those 11 days…. We’re on day 6, it blew up like Mount Saint Helens today. I’m pretty sure I still have lava running down my back. But, it’s cool, we love each other. It makes it even better when you try to work with these little people who like routine and are bored out of their mind and choose to amputate each other’s limbs just as you take an important work call trying to duct tape a deal together with a totally irrational person. It was awesome. I waited the rest of the day for DCS to show up. I was pretty sure the agent I was talking to called them as soon as we hung up the phone. Tomorrow, I have a rock star baby sitter coming to entertain the kids for a bit. I am totally okay with the fact that my kids like her better than they like me. After she leaves, I’ll drag them somewhere they don’t want to go to wear them out, so then I will drink coffee and pull it together to manage to crank out 8 hours worth of work in 4…. It’s cool, I’m good like that. Remember the secret? Coffee and wine, coffee and wine….
Monday morning Lexi Kate and I went to a “grooming class” with our groomer to have her show us how to take care of our dog. It was her nice way of saying I am tired of you bringing me this mangy dog expecting me to work miracles. Well, I’ve figured out she isn’t a miracle worker. And, if you’ve seen my dog in the last 2 months, you’ll realize what I’m talking about. But, I do want her to have a long cute hairdo, so we’re trying to work together here. I’ve always had poodles. You keep their hair short. It’s easy. Shi-poo hair is not easy. Its a bigger mess than I have on my head. And, right now we’re in the midst of changing coats from puppy coat to adult coat. Holy crap, and that’s all I got to say about that. Well, and don’t get a dog. Big mistake….. don’t tell my husband I admitted that.
Granma is doing so much better. She’s on drugs too. It’s fun, see the moral of tonight’s post, just take drugs. Just kidding. Totally not making light of taking drugs. It’s just that I really need you to understand that it isn’t a big deal if you need it. It is a really big deal if you abuse them. Please get help for that. But, my heart is for those that feel something is wrong if they need help. Anyway, we’ve finally found a good mix for Grandma. It’s Aricept and Celexa. Some dementia patients are sweet and good and loving child like. Well, that’s not what I got. I got paranoid, mean, tantrum three year old dementia grandma. And, I have two kids living here, so we had to get paranoid and mean under control. She still has moments, but we are definitely seeing an improvement. I’m really praying for some older ladies to come along side her and take her to lunch and do things with her. She is desperate for community and I really don’t know how to provide that for her. Part of her paranoia is not trusting people, so that throws some what of a monkey wrench in the whole situation. But, pray with us that God will just work that out. I’m also pretty sure she has a crush on her physical therapist. He comes two days a week and she talks a little too much about laying in bed with him, but there’s nothing too it. It makes me giggle inside. My 81 year old grandma feels the need to tell me their is nothing to a 35ish year old, 6’5″ dark haired man laying on her bed with her. Wasn’t worried, but thanks for telling me. He’s working with her on balance and getting in and out of bed without hurting herself. So far, so good. And, she loves the company. Maybe too much, but whatever. I’ll break it to her that the went back to his wife and toddler when medicare quits paying for the PT.
I know all of 3 people really read these posts, but it’s really my outlet to get things out I need to hear. The big thing for me, is just be kind to each other and give a little grace to others and most importantly, to yourself. We can’t do it all. No one can. And, that friend you have who has a super hot husband, that makes a bazillion dollars each year, and they live in a perfect house beautifully decorated from Restoration Hardware, and her floors get waxed each week; her kids are excelling academically and she made a 5 course meal tonight by 5:30. Well, guess what, her shit stinks too. And you know what else, there is a part of her life that is a mess, even if you can’t see it. She may be hiding it, or she may be desperate for you to know the truth. But, I’m pretty sure she isn’t Christ sent back to the world, therefore she isn’t perfect either. Her circumstances may look more appealing than yours, but her life sucks sometimes too. Lace up your sneakers and just run your race with grace today.